Truly Changing Our Attitudes To Change Our Lives

It’s been a while since my last post, so I aim to explain as best as I can where I have been and what’s been going on in life as a first post in a very long time. I’m back!

For years my husband & I obsessed over promoting positive well being through our online business. Our theme was “Change Your Attitude Change Your Life”.
As time passed a very crucial element of our relationship was the eBiz, refining it to become seamless so we could help as many people as possible learn to make money online at home.

We purchased more than we needed to make it more competative with others and, in the hopes of it (the business) becoming income enough to replace our jobs furthered our debt.
Much of what we purchased we never got set up. Many of the programs were insufficiently created leaving out main bits and pieces which rendered them nearly useless.
This became quite frustrating, especially since my husband spent 2 times as much time trying to troubleshoot the different problems we were having.

There were countless nights we would disagree, and our disputes often carried on into the wee hours, many of them never being resolved.

On March 5th, 2009, 18 months ago I suffered a slip and fall accident at work. It was raining, and the ground was extremely slippery.
When I fell I had no idea that this accident would be a considerable life changing event.
I found myself literally laid up in our living room unable to type, walk without crutches or do something as simple as opening a can with a regular can opener.

Bothe the right knee and right hand had damaged ligaments.

I became angry that I had gotten hurt and sat, in self imposed misery poring into books and literature about how to get over the stumbling blocks in life and the walls I had built up so high I could not see a way around them.

I blamed my husband and our disputes for a lot of my self-imposed misery. Our finances became a source of concern and worry, and stress because no longer was I contributing to our finances or our business. It seemed every time I sat down in our office we disagreed about something to the point I found it unmanageabe, leaving him to carry the full weight of carrying our business, the household, and just about everything else.

I blamed everyone except myself for my own attitudes. I, who had “Change Your Attitude Change Your Life” as a sticker on my rear view window. But things did not seem to improve through my readings and attempts to reason with my husband, write things out, reason with myself and try to find solutions.
As a matter of fact I wound up moving out frustrated with the entire scenario.

My daughter had gone through a long stint of rebellion against my husband & I, and life in general and she was 2200 miles away staying with my parents in Washington State. Her only mission was to graduate from high school, something she confessed she would never be able to do living with us.

Had we become that horrific that a teenager could not stand to be at home with us? And, why did I not have any friends in this town yet, after having moved here over 4 years previously? I asked myself why did I feel so isolated and alone and why was I so unhappy?

The answer was multi faceted. Moving out and moving back in with the highest of hopes only to discover our underlying issues, or my own issues were holding me back.
Why couldn’t he & I just agree to disagree? Why did he always have to be right?

Then it happened. June 3rd, 2010 my husband went out like a light toppling over on the couch. He was rushed to the ER and they discovered he had a brain tumer. The tumer was operated on 4 days later. On his way in I held his hand trying not to think of thte warnings from the Dr.’s that he might not come out of this, or be in a vegetative state or be partially paralyzed, reminding myself to not cry and stay positive.

As we waited for the surgery I prayed out loud to God, saying “God, if you are listening please bring him back, all the way back walking talking and as the man I know and love”. I said the Lords prayer and many more.

He awoke 4 days later not able to talk. Soon words came out the first were “I love you”, which he said to me, and every family member who called. It was incredible to know that above all love is in his heart and soul so much that those were his very first words.
Soon, the walking and regular activities came to him and he was home. He was able to manage his own diabetic diet and cook and do normal things.

We had many trips to Dr’s offices the first few months. I found myself feeling hurt and unable to express myself focusing on him, his condition and recovery.
As a matter of fact, over time I lost myself in his condition, treatments, confusion and panic to the point where I had a physical, then a mental meltdown.

I felt I had left my daughter behind, who had been trying to reach out to me behind figuratively and literally. They were not getting along and the tension between became so thick it was overwhelming. I found myself in the middle trying to care for my husband who was now bitter (because I had “kept him alive to live this nightmare” and I “was not contributing to our eBiz or the finances”), and keeping an open communication with my daughter who was doing well, straight A’s and on the deans list at college.

I had long left my self esteem somewhere in the past and found myself upset, angry, lonely and dishevelled a lot of the time. I became irratable, impatient and argumentative. It seemed I could not do anything right and the constant, what I saw as condemnation I was getting from my husband was beginning to become unmanageable.
He claimed he was only trying to help me, but under the surface I was raging mad. I was tired of the focus being on me and “what my problem is”.

Why could I not finish a sentence when he was in the room, why was my driving SO bad that he had to shout about it continuously as I drove him from place to place, why why why!
As time passed I resolved to get a place for my daughter and I so I could help him from a distance. The situation at home had become 24/7 on havoc.

Over 2 years ago I joined a support group for familys and friends of alcoholics. It wasn’t until I focused on myself as the root of my problems that I finally began to “get” how dysfunctionally I had actually been leading my own life.
You could say I was lost in the shuffle – for years, unable to truly live, love, dream and hope for a promising future full of happiness and joy.

You see, it seems so easy at the time to blame all of our discontent on others. In the long run doing this is quite damaging to onnesself and the people around us.
But only after really making a concerted effert to delve into my own perspectives did I begin to see how much of my problem I actually am.
And only after giving myself a chance to love myself could I begin to make some of the changes I desprately needed to have anything close to resembling a happy life.

We have to start somewhere. If we never begin one thing is guaranteed- we won’t make any progress.

Life is a series of stumbling blocks now, not a brick wall. I still try to help out around the house when I can and remain in touch with my husband. We still disagree a lot and he is still trying to help me see his perspective of what my problems are and what to do about them.

Every day brings new promise of hope and happiness, understanding and patience.

I have a support network af a few friends who I can talk on the phone with for hours or go to a movie or out to coffee. My daughter & I get along a lot better and are learning to work as a team, being honest, respectful of each others limits and have a better relationship.

The internet business websites crashed, hacked through the use of GoDaddy’s un-protected and unsafe servers for the most part, and that feels like a knife in my heart. Knowing I could have should have ought to have and only if – but those ways of thinking are only bricks on a road to a very tall and wide brick wall between myself and any hope for happiness.
For, we are not going backwards, we are moving forward.

Hopefully my husband and I will be rewarded with more time to continue the quest for ways and means to promote positive well being in our married life. I continue counseling and attending my support groups. I encourage anyone to seek the help offered through 12 step groups and counseling by a professional. There is hope for every one of us regardless of the nature of our issues.

For now, I just want to say I am glad to be alive, have an open minded husband who respects the fact that I chose to live a short distance away, and am thankful that this Blog is actually still alive and kicking.

For anyone who has been looking into SeattleGirlMakesGood wondring what happened, I’m not gone … just went on a sebatical of Higher Thinking towards a more quality way of living life.
It begins with me.

Hope to share more in the future.

SeattleGirlMakesGood

Quote from Robert Frost:

“In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. It goes on.”

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